Feedback, please

[ChelseaBritain]

Well, my entry into the comics contest didn't make the cut, but I'm very serious about submitting my strip for syndication next year. I've attached what I had submitted and I would really appreciate feedback and suggestions on what needs to change, what's not working, etc. At this point I'm not even sure if the concept is any good, so feel free to let me know if I need to go back to the drawing board.

Thanks everyone!

[Leann Webb]

From what I can tell they are interesting but they're kind of hard to read. Do you have a web site where they can be viewed larger?

[ChelseaBritain]

I attached the jpg in addition to embedding it in the post, you might have better luck with that. Unfortunately the contest rules specified that all 12 strips had to be contained on one jpg. If you view the attachment you can probably zoom in.

Thanks for taking time to look at it!

[Isaiah McAllister]

I'd say just continue working on creating as many strips as you can for syndication. And filter them down to the best ones for submission.

But to be honest, I wouldn't have the faintest idea about what the syndicates are looking for in a submission these days. Unfortunately, I don't think the syndicates even know what they are looking for. :o/

[guy]

Your writing seems fine. What I think your artwork needs is more line definition. All the lines are the same width which makes it look like a coloring book. You have one strip where the bird is talking to himself in the window, and there you seem to approach the understanding of varying line width, and it makes it look so much better than the rest artistically. Most cartoonists would squirm at this, but what I did to solve this was use different sizes of sharpies. It's easy and cheap and really, looks just as good as if you'd used a $200 quill, no matter what anyone says. Just keep it up and keep on trying. You'll get it.
Guy~

[Malc]

I also like the writing, you're obviously a clever person with a sense of humour that others "get". I agree with Guy that the artwork lines need work, and I think the best way around the problem is to spend some time working on drawing your characters. Try to draw them the same every time (from two or three different angles, obviously), even to the extent that you approach an experienced cartoonist to help you nail down the "look" you want. He or she may go over your drawings (using a separate piece of paper on a lightbox) and give them a slicker look. Once that's done, take the drawings and practice them again and again until they are second nature to you. This can take a while, but it works - keep at it. Use a thicker line, one that reproduces well. I don't believe line variation is necessary, in fact trying to get it will slow you down immensely. Make your line consistent, dark and a little broader than at present.
If you look at the original Dilbert strips, Adams has a distinctly different style from the one he uses now, which is tighter and merely a vehicle for his writing. That's the drawing stage you need to aim for - not exciting, artistically, just pictures to tell your story. Don't bother with any detail, cross hatching or relief on foreground objects - plain as possible.
I would also advise leaving all backgrounds out. As much plain white space behind as possible, let the characters dominate.
You would be better using a hand lettered type font. There are numerous free ones available on the net, or for a few dollars you can buy one you like. Here's a link to both free and pay fonts.

http://www.blambot.com/fonts_dialogue.shtml

[ChelseaBritain]

Perhaps I'm opening up a whole new can of worms here, but I thought using computer fonts was sort of looked down on in the industry? I mean...if I submit a strip and it's got an electronic font in it, is that going to hurt my chances of getting my stuff published? Or do I just need to find a font that works well with my drawings? Or should I just focus more on my hand-lettering so it's legible/not distracting?

Thanks.

[Jesse Cline]

I opened up that can of worms, here:

http://toontalk.ning.com/forum/topics/hand-lettering-vs-computer

Some good discussion, and a really bad, early drawing of one of my characters.

[Ross K.]

Your writing does a nice job getting the point across in a humorous and warm way. I like it.
The only strip that has a bit of confusion for me is the bottom left Sunday one. I know what you're going for, but I think the wording on the setup could make it more direct.
artwork, just 2 things:
The bird characters need to be more distinctive-- to create an immediate-gut-"that's Berd!" or "that's ____!" reaction. It's a bit more difficult since all the birds are the same species, but don't be afraid to push it. There's a lot of examples of this all over the place: the rats in Ratatouille, crows from Dumbo, this blog post about doing character design on vultures, the pigeons in Bolt, etc.
Also, don't be afraid to reuse the same shot for a panel or two in certain cases. The strip third down on the left has 3 shots that are almost the same... but aren't quite. It creates an unnecessary feeling of movement that lessens the impact of the joke a bit.

Of course all of this is just my opinion and could definitely be disagreed with-- and I might even agree :D
All in all, good stuff-- looking forward to seeing more of this!

[Joshua Skurtu]

The art style is fine. It has good detail, but I would definitely find ways to make the characters unique. In any with multiple birds, it's hard for me to tell with a glance (which is all a reader will give you) which one is "Berd" or any others.

As for the writing, there are definitely some funny ones here. I love the car one. That has to be my favorite. Unfortunately,(and I am being honest here to help, so please don't hate me) they aren't ALL funny. For you to be syndicated, they need to ALL be funny, or at leas the majority. I would estimate that 50% are funny.
There was another discussion about the "self-editor," which some of the older members here gave me some good advice. I would suggest you look that up. It definitely helped me re-evaluate how I did my comics. I am still learning, but I am definitely getting to the point where I write down all my ideas, and then take a step back to re-analyze the comedic value after time has passed. I know syndicated artists don't HAVE that luxury, as they have deadlines, but you and I have all the time in the world.

Good luck! If you decide to start them as a webcomic, definitely link me. I would love to read more.

-Josh
www.theohnozone.com

[Jon Carlson]

Berd likes the arts, poetry, philososhy, and 'getting lost' but has a mean streak. A Renaissance dreamer with a mean streak.
Is this an accurate description?

What you've shown is very raw. It has potential though.

Strip by Strip crit, comment, and opinions

Okay: 1, 9, 7, S2

Not okay: 8, 10, S1

kinda okay: 2, 3

kinda not okay: 4, 5, 6

#1: Panel three makes me assume two things; were looking through the screamer's eye and that Berd is about to hit him. This assumption let me originally miss Berd's silhoutte in the lower lefthand corner. The black bg color in panel three doesn't make sense to me. With the build up of the shout and Berds reaction, the final panel feels lacking. Instead of thirty birds flying in a cluster, having fewer birds flying in a V formation would make more sense. The first panel's dialogue can be combined with the dialogue in panel two. In panel two you could add dialogue of Berd making an observation, or embellish his feelings.

#7: Well written. Panel two has word balloon issues.

#9:Berd's wording and reaction is the last panel feels very clumsy and passive. His reaction isn't satisfying, but Spud's response is good.
Saying "aw" to me, undermines Spud's reaction. I usually think, if you characters don't care, why will the reader? The exception is if your trying to create irony, or make an oblivious persona. I'd suggest crafting the dialogue or action to show more concern.
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#8: The only way to salvage this strip is to throw away panel two and add its dialogue to panel one (or drop it). The joke is supposed to be the reader doesn't know he's talking to a mirror but panel two ruins this. This joke is redundant imo after seeing #6. Berd should be doing something in the last panel (maybe fixing his hair?) The dialogue with that drawing is not establishing a unique character.

#10: Is panel two actaully a haiku? If so why have panel three? This strip feels like the one with the least effort.
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#2: This would be better for a sunday, i'd think of a better situation for panel four, maybe show a wormhole Berd fits into in panel one.

#3: Backgrounds in panels one and two should include trees. The core idea is good and has potential. The dialogue should be reworked. The last panels observation is very literal. I think you can write a funnier observation. (Instead of mean bird strangling him doing a violent act that could be mistaken for a dance move?)
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#4: Panel two should be kept and the rest rewritten. Panel one doesn't add anything here. Scientist deters a bird by...biting?

#5: the Buddha quote is unfitting and wasted here. Using "us" in panel two doesn't help. The first two panels don't suggest a pity party as much as a complaining party.

#6: Panel three and four should be consolidated for a humourous effect. If feels kinda sad and pathetic the way is currently is.
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Sunday 1: Why can't the bird fly?

Sunday 2: The first panel should be cropped to hide the fact your not showing the windshield and trunk.
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Have a list of key attributes that make up your character. Look at the characters in the comics you enjoy and write down their attributes, what makes them unique. Having boundaries for your characters is important and it might help you decide whether you like the characters or not, and you won't need to second guess about having a good concept.

[ChelseaBritain]

Thanks for taking the time to review each strip! I really appreciate it and it gives me a good idea of what works and what dosen't. Your description is accurate but do you think the mean streak is a problem? I want the main character to be likeable but not boring. Maybe it just makes things confusing?

Thanks!

[Jon Carlson]

Well, there's nothing specifically mean about Berd, these strips: (S1) Practical Joke, (7) Art Crit, (5) Complaining, (2) Indifference; can all be taken as natural reactions. But consider the possible perceptions (S1) mean-spirited, (7) small bird calls him mean: Those two strips set up that impression. Every reaction crafts your character for better or worse, so Its important to find boundaries and points of contrast you want to exploit.

Being mean or not doesn't matter as much as being (funny of course) clear, consistent, and bold with your characters personality.
Specifically regarding mean; A buddhist with anger issues would be a funny compliment for meaness. But do you want to make that a key component?

A pompous philosopher giving crummy philosophy or using quotes ironically out of context (the idiot who thinks he's a genius) could be another layer, but would the meaness compromise his lack of awareness?

You want multi-layered characters, but you need to check that certain actions don't take away from your character. You want to control your character's intentions and your audiences perceptions.