Feedback, please

[Jesse Cline]

Hey everyone. I was wondering if I could get some feedback and constructive criticism for my Amazon comic contest entry! I have asked for feedback 2 other times here and found it extremely helpful.

Here is a link to my submission: http://jessecline.blogspot.com/


A couple things I want to mention for anyone who may have read my comics before. First, I took a few months off this summer and when I went back to my comic I felt like the whole thing had become contrived. I think I was trying too hard to "capture the magic of childhood" or whatever, and it wasn't really a reflection of myself or what I really wanted to say. I guess I was just trying to do what others had done, or what I thought editors wanted to see. I decided to simplify the entire thing and just emphasize on making it funny. I thought a lot about what I would want to read, and what my wife and friends would find funny. I ended up adopting sort of a semi-autobiographical, self deprecating angle with the monkeys as young professionals instead of children.

Another thing, I got a lot of feedback from people who were confused by the whole premise and setting (i.e. are they doing work in a lab or being studied?). I figured since it was all just an analogy for working in an office anyway, I might as well just have them doing that.

I actually like it better the new way, but I was interested to hear what others would think and that is one of the reasons I wanted to share it here.

[Dan Boris]

Hey Jesse,

I think you already know what I think of your comic, but for the record...
There are a lot of professional cartoonists who can not pen a strip as creative and original as what is evident in your Walking Upright! Big Kudos to you!

Stay with it!

Best,
db

[Jon Carlson]

You have a good sense for office humor, but I think this will come at the expense of being shadowed or often compared to Dilbert. Specifically the "Emilly, I used to be Just like you" strip, reminded me of a few Dilbert strips with Asok and Wally/Dilbert.

Chester will be compared to Wally, alot. In about half your dailies (5,6,8,10), they can be Wally easily. You'll need to add more dimensions other than 'self -depricating' to build up Chester.

You could also narrow down your premise to a specific kind of job, like 'What the duck' or 'Retail' and tie it in with computer use/management.

~~~~~
Also to comment, While I haven't seen your older work, I'd like to say being contrived is being oblivious to stale patterns and forcing jokes that aren't ready. You can have an audience in mind (friends and editors included) and create outlines, goals, and plans for your comic without compromising the humor. I recommend if you ever feel like your work is becoming contrived, to think in terms of problem solving. Having good character outlines and good reference material (to study) can assist here.

[Dan Boris]

I agree that Jesse's comic will automatically face the Dilbert comparisons, but nearly everybody's work is influenced by those who came before. Some are much more blatant about it, but much to Jesse's credit, his character designs are very unique. As long as he takes the office humor plot line in a whole other (NEW) direction he will be fine. I think he is off to a great start.

Of the current Finalists, there are these strong obvious "influences" - either in character design or humor:
Buni (Angry Alien http://www.angryalien.com/ and Perry Bible Fellowship http://tinyurl.com/ypc4ju)
Hemlock Heights (Bloom County)
Lil Wit (Calvin & Hobbes)
Thata Baby (Marvin)

And speaking of blatant, there is "judge" Scott Hilburn's "Argyle Sweater" (the Far Side)...

[Joshua Skurtu]

Hey Jesse,

The new comic is good. It's funny. It reminds me of Dilbert, but not as stale as it has become. It's good. My favorite is the last one, which tells us how he commutes.

But I loved it when they were test subjects. I still like the comic as it is now, but I think the idea was more original. As for the setting not being clear, that could have been easily dealt with if the title gave it away. Such as "Test Monkeys" or "Lab Monkeys" Etc.

Keep up the good work. If you decide to turn this into a webcomic, be sure to forward on the URL. :)

-Josh
www.theohnozone.com

[Jesse Cline]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I was expecting parallels with Dilbert to be made as some of my friends and family said the same when I made the decision. I actually have tried hard not to be too much like Dilbert, or Office Space, or even Cathy...

Hopefully I can be different enough to coexist, I mean there are 45 family comics, can't there be more than one office one?

Anyone else have feedback?

[Isaiah McAllister]

I just read them Jesse and I thought they were all pretty good. I felt they were more relatable than your previous efforts due to the different setting. They weren't laugh out loud funny, but that could just be me. In general it takes a lot for something to make me LOL, but I had a smile the whole time.

The only one I didn't understand was the Craigslist one. Mainly because I didn't know what the acronym meant. So I think you may have to be a little careful in being so niche in your humor in certain areas where only a couple of people will get it. I mean, I understood it was probably something obscene, but it would've been funnier if I knew what the acronym meant.

[Jesse Cline]

haha its not a real acronym. I just strung together a bunch of letters like people put in their craigslist dating ads. he clicked on it to see what it meant and it was something really foul. something so awful that just looking at it lands you on the sex offender list. I think its funnier to leave what is was to the imagination

[Isaiah McAllister]

Oh, okay. I was actually kind of concerned over whether that was a real acronym. :) I definitely wasn't gonna go look it up, for fear of what I might find.

[guy]

I think they're pretty good, Jesse! A marked improvement over the first time you posted them here for comment. keep it up and tighten up the writing, which comes with time spent with the characters, and I think you'll do all right.
Guy~

[Ross K.]

Hey Jesse,
Overall nice stuff--
a few comments:
1. I looked at your older stuff on your other website also-- The newer stuff is fine, but my favorite were always the ones where Chester and Emily were laboratory subjects ( whether willingly or not ) under the supervision of the headless roaming scientists. I think you went on a really nice string of comics starting on 2-16-09. A lot of your office-based-jokes could be modified to being lab-monkey-based-jokes quite easily, and it overlays every single comic with a vague background feeling of hopelessness-- which is great for humor and also Disney sports-comeback movies. Also, it would separate Chester away from Wally comparisons a bit more.
2. It would be fun to see more storylines that take place over 2-4 comics-- letting people have a bit more time to connect to the characters before we time-warp to another moment in their lives.
3. The Internet is a big place-- I'm sure there's someone out there that knows exactly what BDBBSEDWSM stands for :D

All in all, looking forward to seeing more!